Florida goes to Obama

   You may be asking why it took so long to count the votes in the Sunshine State.

   One reason is that deep in the Everglades, rather than cast ballots, voters throw varmints into one of two cages containing alligators. The cages are then weighed at the end of election day. The gators deemed to have gained the most weight over the course of the day determine the winner of the election.

   In cases where the elections are too close to call, the alligators must be given enough time to digest and defecate all of the "ballots". Election officials then weigh the excrement, er "votes", making certain that "hanging chads" are scraped free from the reptiles' rectums and included in the final tally.

Vote Rigging in Alabama

   The Associated Press reports that an election worker in Alabama is under criminal investigation for vote rigging. 

   While many Americans are casting paper or electronic ballots today, in many rural counties in southern states, voters still spit into one of two spittoons (red or blue) to indicate their preference. Volume of spittle is measured at the end of the day to determine the winner.

   Conecuh County spokesman Jim Bob Heidler said in a press release that Baylee Ann Thompson was "immediately relieved of duty after the alleged electoral spittoon tampering was discovered".

   Sources familiar with the incident say their understanding is that the woman kicked over a blue spittoon that was half full of warm "votes" for Obama after a large group of "colored voters" had cast their "ballots".

   When Ms Thompson was contacted by AP for comment, she tearfully insisted that it had “only been two ounces” that had been spilt. If convicted of a Class C felony for ballot tampering, Thompson could face up to five years in prison and a fine of up to $125,000.