Florida goes to Obama

   You may be asking why it took so long to count the votes in the Sunshine State.

   One reason is that deep in the Everglades, rather than cast ballots, voters throw varmints into one of two cages containing alligators. The cages are then weighed at the end of election day. The gators deemed to have gained the most weight over the course of the day determine the winner of the election.

   In cases where the elections are too close to call, the alligators must be given enough time to digest and defecate all of the "ballots". Election officials then weigh the excrement, er "votes", making certain that "hanging chads" are scraped free from the reptiles' rectums and included in the final tally.

Dueling Prophets

   Considering that the Mormons of the world were most likely united in prayer on election day, does Obama's defeat of Bishop Romney mean that the God of Black Liberation Theology is stronger than the Godhead of Mormonism?